How to make a hard decision
A hard decision is rarely a lack of options. It is usually a knot: several questions tangled together, with something you have not said out loud in the middle of them. This guide walks the three part way Shinn uses. Name what it is really about, break it into parts, then find the one thing you can test this week.
The three parts
Say what it is really about
Write the decision in one sentence, as if you were telling a friend. Then write what you are afraid of if you choose wrong. Most hard decisions are not hard because the options are close. They are hard because something underneath has not been said yet: you do not want to let someone down, you do not want to admit a year was wasted, you do not want to be the person who left.
Try this
This is hard because
Break it into parts you can look at
A hard decision is usually three or four smaller questions stuck together. Separate them. Which part is money, which part is time, which part is what other people will think, which part is what you actually want. Write each part on its own line. Some lines turn out to be facts you can check. Others turn out to be stories you are telling yourself.
Try this: mark every line as fact or story. Facts you can go and find out. Stories you can question.
Find the one thing you can test this week
You rarely decide your way out of a hard decision. You find out. Look for the smallest real thing that would give you new information: one conversation, one question asked out loud, one week spent living as if you had chosen. Do that, then decide with what you learn instead of what you imagine.
Try this
The smallest thing I could find out this week is
What a decision looks like once it is untangled
One thing in the middle, the parts around it, and one step out.
Four ways people get stuck
Waiting to feel ready
Certainty is not what arrives first. Information is. Waiting usually just makes the decision bigger.
Making a list of pros and cons and stopping there
A list weighs what you already know. It cannot tell you what you have not asked anyone yet.
Asking people who all want the same answer
Ask one person who would take the other side. Their reasons are the ones you have not tested.
Treating it as final
Very few decisions are one door closing. Ask what it would take to change course in six months.
Questions people ask
How long should a hard decision take?
Less time than you are giving it, and more information. Most hard decisions stall because you are waiting to feel sure, and that feeling arrives after you act, not before. Give yourself a date, spend the time until then finding out one thing you do not know, and decide with what you learn.
What if both options feel wrong?
Then the decision is probably not the one on the table. Write what you would want if neither option existed. Often a third shape appears, or one option turns out to be the closest thing to it. If not, choose the one you can change course from more easily.
What if I decide and then regret it?
Regret usually comes from how you decided, not what you chose. If you looked at the parts, asked the person you were avoiding, and tested one thing first, you can stand behind the choice even when it costs something. Very few decisions are final. Write down now what it would take to change course in six months.
A worked example
Say you have an offer in another city and a life you like where you are.
- What I'm hearing
It is not the job against the city. It is whether you are allowed to want something that inconveniences people you love. - What is underneath
Money: fact. You can compare it.Your partner's work: fact. You can ask.Losing your friends: story. People move and stay close.Never getting another offer: story. This one found you. - One thing to do today
The step is not to decide tonight. It is to ask your partner the question you have been answering for them.
Do it with Shinn
Four short questions, about five minutes, and you get a map of what is really in the way plus one thing to do today. Free while in beta, no sign-up needed.